For Once Not Drinking Tea Is A Good Thing

I generally find not drinking tea or coffee to be a drawback – an unsaid barrier between colleagues, a missed opportunity for rare freebies, very unBritish... Over the last week, for the first time ever my unusual tea/coffee aversion has actually worked to my advantage. Metro (and I'm sure many other publications) printed a list of fifty telltale signs that a person is getting old:

http://metro.co.uk/2013/06/17/like-sherry-and-know-what-an-opal-fruit-is-youre-getting-old-3845215/

I'm only recently coming to grips with my age and becoming more accepting of inevitable changes so pitting myself against the list was quite a relief. Of the fifty symptoms of old age The Engage Mutual friendly society found after their survey of 2,000 people, I'm glad to honestly say only 12 are representative of the 33 year-old me (I'll leave those of you who know me well to guess which of the 50 I exhibit).

Having delighted in my relatively low result, I stumbled across two other laughable/ interesting articles. One detailing a 52 year-old French mother's attempt to sit her 19 year-old daughter's English baccalaureate exam for University:

http://metro.co.uk/2013/06/20/french-mum-52-caught-posing-as-19-year-old-daughter-to-sit-english-exam-3850436/

What struck me most about this article was not her amusing teen costume but the fact that it took invigilators two hours of the three hour exam to spot her deception. Equally amazing, is a new YouTube craze for whispered role play:

http://metro.co.uk/2013/06/20/asmr-the-youtube-craze-sending-tingles-worldwide-via-whispered-role-play-3847808/

I'm not sure about the whole idea but as someone prone to bouts of insomnia, I'm willing to give it a go and may even one day blog about my excursion to the ASMR world...

Something to Make You Smile

If the last fortnight has been a bit of a trial and like me, you're needing a pick-up, here's something to make you smile and perhaps, marvel at the random things in life. In the last week, West Midlands Police received a phone call from a man complaining the prostitute he had solicited was too ugly and therefore breaching the Sales of Goods Act:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/man-calls-999-to-complain-prostitute-is-too-ugly-8658100.html

A cat resembling Salvador Dali has been discovered:

Wandering among the stalls in the indoor market of Manchester's Arndale Centre, I spotted this bizarre model who seems to be championing braces:

And after seeing Tristan and Yseult at The West Yorkshire Playhouse, noticed this rather suggestive art installation on general display, the same night the audience happened to be largely comprised of school 

parties:

Frisky Felines

I'm woken from a light slumber by a repetitive motion near my feet. The heat is making it difficult to sleep and I've not been “out” long so I'm partially conscious. It feels like something is gently riding my feet.

I hear The Boy laughing, something resembling fabric scraping across fabric and a motorised engine-like noise. Sleepily lifting my head, I look down to see a purring Maj with his ghost costume in his mouth straddling my feet bobbing up and down like he's humping my lower body. The sight unsurprisingly causes me to chuckle and I'm back to square one, trying to clear my head of thoughts and return to the land of dreams.

Although he admittedly has a bit of a foot fetish, this is the first time The Maj has decided to mount my feet but certainly not the first time we've witnessed his bizarre nightly sexual routine. About six months after adopting The Maj from the Howarth Cat Rescue Centre, I purchased a dog's Halloween costume that made him look like a member of the Klu Klux Klan and fitted rather poorly.

Like his mum, The Maj likes his food and isn't keen on waste; he soon claimed the costume and put it to use, dragging it around the flat while loudly yowling in order to alert us to his need for food or loving. In more recent months, he's taken to dragging the costume around, simulated humping, more dragging with some near tripping, gazing at himself in the mirror, more dragging, more humping...

This bizarre ritual seems to have increased in recent weeks with him shunting around in a circle, almost as if he's making sure we witness this spectacle from every angle. We've also unfortunately noticed a Maj erection for the first time since getting him some two and a half years ago.

My mum wisely suggested the diet food he now exclusively dines on may have side-effects but so far web searches have proved fruitless. I've found myself wading through links selling Hill's c/d prescription diet pet food and others that are amusing but unhelpful, including titles such as “Please Help! Can fixed cats still... uh, ejaculate?”

Next visit to the cat doctor some questions will be asked but in the meantime, we'll have to continue to be amused and confused by our frisky feline.

My Favourite Kind Of Beard

Although, I'm sad to admit I find it hard to remember life before the Internet these days, a lot of Internet crazes still pass me by. Questionable “news” stories in Metro have alerted me to planking and owling while a Southpark episode from Season 16 (Faith Hilling) introduced me to breading.

A text message photograph attachment from a friend was the first I heard of cat bearding; watching Jimmy Carr confirmed it was indeed the latest Internet craze and one I was happy to embrace. I may just have to give myself a ginger Maj beard but until then enjoy my top ten...

And even beard donors are having a go...